On unrequited love
This sermon was preached on February 23, 2025, the seventh Sunday after the Epiphany. As with the previous few, the thought behind this is inspired and informed by the grief that many in Berkeley are feeling as a result of November’s election and the inauguration of the present administration. Despite the fact that our city’s preferred candidate did not win, as a parish we continue to pray for the president, the government, and all in authority, for the final triumph of God’s justice, mercy, and love.
Collect: O Lord, you have taught us that without love whatever we do is worth nothing: Send your Holy Spirit and pour into our hearts your greatest gift, which is love, the true bond of peace and of all virtue, without which whoever lives is accounted dead before you. Grant this for the sake of your only Son Jesus Christ, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
Readings: Genesis 45:3-11, 15, 1 Corinthians 15:35-38, 42-50, Luke 6:27-38
In the Name of God, Father, Son, and Holy Sprit, Amen:
A friend of ours is getting married soon, and I have the honor of officiating, so it means I’ve had love on the brain lately. I haven’t finished my wedding homily yet, but I’m sure I’ll say at least something about love being a mutual enterprise, that it’s something embarked on together, a journey in which the one will hold the other and vice versa.
It’s the sort of thing you say at weddings, to encourage people in the life they’re beginning together — marriage is a life two people create together out of the love they share. And that’s usually what we say about love: it’s shared, mutual, something freely given and received. The full meaning of love, for the married and the unmarried alike, is for it to be given, as well as received; and the meeting between those two actions is what’s so powerfully creative about love.
Today, though, we get a very different message in our readings, a message implied in Genesis, and then made explicit in the Gospel. And that is, that love can frequently be offered in only one direction. Despite the mutual, shared nature of love at its best, it can also be offered in only one direction.
Recall, Joseph’s brothers had sold him into slavery years before, and then told their father Jacob that he was dead, eaten by wolves. Through an amazing sequence of events, Joseph wound up the viceroy of Egypt, and during a famine found himself selling grain to the very brothers who had betrayed him. Though he was tempted to work his vengeance on them, he took pity instead, and revealed himself to them in order that they might be a family again.
Then in the Gospel, Jesus says directly, “love your enemies” — and he says it about six different ways so it’s very clear he’s not just being spiritual, that he really means we’re to love those who wish us harm.
In both cases, here is a love that is being offered in only one direction. Between Joseph and his brothers there was no trace of the mutual, shared love that clergy preach at weddings; no trace of familial affection; not until Joseph made his love clear to them first.
How can there be mutual love among enemies, between belligerent forces in conflict? If there were love shared among enemies, they would be enemies no longer. Yet Jesus says, “love your enemies,” instructing us to make the first move in a one-way relationship of love for people who are our adversaries or who otherwise wish us harm.
Life is full of hard lessons about what one-way love looks like. Consider the mother who painfully decides finally to kick out her drug-addicted daughter. The mother loves her daughter, but because of the addiction and because of the patterns it has imposed of crisis, withdrawal, acting out, and the rest, there is no possibility the daughter can return her mother’s love in any remotely symmetrical or proportional way. The mother’s love takes the shape of refusing to enable further destructive behavior — which for all her daughter can see looks like punishment or betrayal.
Or another example: consider the husband, whose wife’s dementia means she can’t remember who he is let alone return the love and care he pours out on her day by day.
Or to take another direction: what does it mean to love people who voted differently than we did? What does it mean to love the people they elected, who seem to be dead-set on inflicting pain and suffering on many of the most vulnerable in society? How can we love those who want nothing to do with us?
Each of us knows what this feels like: you love someone and they don’t love you back, you make a gift that took time and care and maybe even sacrifice, and it goes ignored or under appreciated. Your mother tells you to look after your little sister, but looking after is the last thing she wants.
Life offers no shortage of other examples. Even though it’s not what we usually think of when we think of love, even though we might otherwise affirm that love in only one direction is deficient, even defective in some ways, Joseph and Jesus today both seem to insist that it is still love. Jesus even goes so far as to command that we love our enemies: love those who are not just ungrateful, love those who not only have no desire to love me back, but love those who are actively intending to harm me.
This is a hard saying. Usually we read it as if Jesus is just commissioning us for the work of reconciliation — love your enemies, so that they can hopefully not be your enemies anymore. Love the people who don’t return your love, so that hopefully they can, some day. But that’s not what Jesus says: he says, Love your enemies, full stop, whether or not they return the favor. It’s a hard lesson made all the harder by clergy and others who use it to counsel people to stay in abusive relationships rather than to seek help or separation. Just to be clear, while love can, and often does, go one-way, it can never be coerced; no one has the right to force your affection or keep you under their control.
“Come on,” you will say, “How can you say that? Love in only one direction is a waste, why bother?” We often think of love as this precious thing, beautifully wrapped, with a bow, that we give to the deserving in our lives. Why would we give such a thing to an adversary, who will reject it at best, and more likely just take advantage instead. Didn’t Jesus also say something about not casting our pearls before swine? But stay with me for a moment. One-way love actually helps to clarify what love is.
By and large, when love is one-way, it’s not directed to the deserving, and it isn’t received with thanks or delight. Instead, what it feels like is a glass of water poured on dry ground — the water gets absorbed without a trace, or else the ground is so dry the water just hits it and runs off again. We’re right to say it feels like a waste — a waste of energy, emotion, spirit, hope, and all the rest, just thrown away, with nothing to show for it, and an empty place where it came from inside us.
St. Paul writes, after last week’s epistle lesson left off and before this week’s begins, that “Christ must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet; the last enemy to be destroyed is death.” Does Jesus’s command to love our enemies extend to death itself? I don’t like that idea, but it’s often what one-way love feels like. Yes, love like this is water on the ground, imprudently and even flagrantly poured out.
But isn’t this what we say about all love? It is abundant, profligate, never-ending, stronger than death; “It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things.” If this is true, and it is my firm conviction that it is, then love is less an equal and opposite exchange, and more a continuous series of wild risks — risks that the love we plant as seeds will finally take root and grow.
Yes, love at its heart is a kind of insistence, often in the face of every evidence to the contrary, that there is a future for us beyond the present injury, beyond the present crisis; that there is more between us than meets the eye. Love is a recognition that part of me is bound up in you, and part of you in me, and that that makes something bigger than either of us; that makes something bigger of both of us. Love makes a future that we are both in, even if that future remains finally out of reach our whole lives long. The future love makes bears strongly on the present, firing it with every possibility of hope. Christ’s command this morning pushes us to hold this future even for our enemies, pushes us to make the first move in love.
Maybe you know the old legend, that when Adam and Eve died they were buried in a place very near to where Jerusalem would later be built; and that when Christ was raised on the cross, it was planted above the exact spot of Adam’s grave. As the Savior died, the earthquake which followed cracked open the rock below, allowing Jesus’s blood to run down into Adam’s grave and among his very bones. Here, at the cross, the life of God moved once again through the dust, as blood now instead of breath as before, creating life where there had been only death. Christ pulling Adam and Eve from their tombs while death lies bound under his feet remains the Eastern Orthodox vision of the resurrection — and of redemption — to this day.
Whether or not the geography is correct, the point remains true. When Jesus says “Love your enemies,” he is commending to us the same one-way love that drove him to say, from the cross, forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. He is commending the same love by which Joseph kept room in his heart for his brothers; the same love that sees our adversaries as people, like us, who are made in the image of God — even if their words and ideas are inscrutable to us and their actions hurtful.
Jesus is telling us emphatically, in every way he knows how, that love poured on thirsty ground is never a waste, never a loss: his own love outpoured takes him to the cross, where his saving death opens the rock, cracks open the tomb. There, our love poured out mingles with his, and waters the dry, stony, waste places of the earth. There, where this water falls, dry bones put on flesh, and the tree grows whose fruit gives eternal life and whose leaves are for the healing of the nations.
In the Name of God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit: Amen.
